SEXUAL STEREOTYPES AND SEXUAL ORIENTATION

Stereotypes of masculine and feminine behaviors and characteristics permeate our culture. And when a child's aptitudes and interests deviate from these accepted norms, he is often subjected to discrimination and ridicule.

As a parent, it is natural for you to have concern about whether your youngster is accepted socially. You will probably find yourself trying to teach him social behaviors that will allow him to function well in this culture, even if they sometimes seem to run counter to his own interests and talents. However, you need to weigh your well-meant efforts at promoting conformity against your child's need to feel comfortable with and good about himself. Even if he doesn't fit the accepted stereotypes - that is, even if your son doesn't excel in sports or even have an interest in them, for example - there will still be many other opportunities and areas in which he can excel. Each child has his own strengths, and at times, they may not conform to society's or your own expectations. Yet they can still be a source of his current and future success and self-satisfaction.

Ironically, social stereotypes evolve over time. In recent decades, there has been a tidal wave of change in gender roles and behaviors. Today, women are expected to be more assertive and "feminist" than their mothers and grandmothers were. Men are allowed and perhaps even expected to express their "softer," more compassionate, and more "feminine" side.

Thus, rather than force your own child into the mold of current or traditional gender behavior, help him fulfill his own unique potential. Don't become excessively concerned with whether his interests and strengths coincide with the socially defined gender roles of the moment. Let him evolve in his own way.

Sexual Orientation

A child's sexual orientation is a related area that may be of concern for some parents. A youngster's interests and behavior during middle childhood may cause mothers and fathers to worry that their offspring might be homosexual. They may inappropriately discipline the child or seek professional help to ensure that he becomes heterosexual.

However, this is a time when acceptance and support for your child should be paramount. An individual's physical and emotional attraction to a member of the same or the opposite sex appears to be a biological phenomenon. Some recent research has shown that the brains of homosexual men - specifically, the amount of tissue in parts of their hypothalamus - differ from those of heterosexual men. Only rarely, if ever, is sexual orientation caused by personal experiences and environment.

Your own child's sexual orientation is actually established quite firmly by the middle years. But since there is little opportunity to test and act out this orientation, it may not be evident to the family until adolescence or even later. Meanwhile, keep in mind that many children try out different ways of relating to their peers, and these can be confused with heterosexual or homosexual orientation.

The greatest difficulty for children and adolescents who are homosexual is the social pressure they feel to behave heterosexually, and the discrimination they may experience because of their sexual orientation. This may isolate them from their peers and even their family, and their self-esteem and self-confidence can suffer terribly in the process. A large proportion of teenage suicide attempts is linked to issues of gender confusion and to perceived rejection of an adolescent with a homosexual orientation.

Sexual orientation cannot be changed. A child's heterosexuality or homosexuality is deeply ingrained as part of them. As a parent, your most important role is to offer understanding, respect, and support to your child. A nonjudgmental approach will gain your child's trust and put you in a better position to help him or her through these difficult times. You need to be supportive and helpful, no matter what your youngster's sexual orientation may be.