WHEN GENDER IDENTITIES BECOME CONFUSED

Does your daughter refuse to wear dresses and like throwing a football with the boys in the neighborhood? Does your son have an interest in girls' clothes or cosmetics?

When middle-years children exhibit these kinds of behavior, their parents often are concerned, and many questions arise: Is my youngster's behavior abnormal? Should I be trying to change him or her? Does he or she need professional help?

Occasionally, children seem to display gender-role confusion. More than just lacking an interest in sports, for instance, some boys actually tend to identify with females. Likewise, some girls identify more with masculine traits. Conflicted about their gender, they may deny their sexuality. Rather than learn to accept themselves, they may come to dislike that part of themselves that is a boy or a girl.

These traits suggest a conflict or confusion about gender and relationship with peers of the same sex. The possible causes of these variations are speculative and controversial. Research demonstrates a role for both biological factors and social learning in gender-identity confusion.

Family and parenting influences also might contribute to gender confusion. Family studies indicate that effeminate boys often have unusually close relationships with their mothers and especially distant relationships with their fathers. Research suggests that the mothers of some effeminate boys actually encourage and support "female" activities in their sons.

Sings of Gender Confusion in Boys and Girls

At the extreme, a boy may seem more effeminate and have one or more of the following characteristics:

· He wants to be a girl.

· He desires to grow up to be a woman.

· He has a marked interest in female activities, including playing with dolls or playing the roles of girls or women.

· He has an intense interest in cosmetics, jewelry or girls' clothes and enjoys dressing up in girls' apparel.

· His favorite friends are girls.

· On rare occasions, he may cross-dress and actually consider himself to be a girl.

Effeminate boys are sometimes ridiculed, teased as being "gay," and shunned by their peer group. This rejection may intensify as the boys get older. As a result, they may become anxious, insecure or depressed and struggle with their self-esteem and social relationships.

On the other hand, girls who identify with boys are thought of as "tomboys." They usually encounter less social ridicule and peer difficulties than effeminate boys do. For many girls, some tomboyishness seems to be a very natural course toward healthy adolescent gender identity. Yet there are rare girls who exhibit one or more of the following traits:

· They express a wish to be a boy.

· Their preferred peer group is male.

· When playing make-believe games, they prefer male roles over female ones.

Dealing with Gender Confusion

If your middle-years child seems to have distortions and confusions in gender identity, discuss boy and girl, male and female behavior directly with him or her. For instance, talk with your child about the specific gestures or behavior that may provoke reactions from others, and identify together some that might be more appropriate. Through a sensitive dialogue, you might be able to help your child better understand his or her behavior and why it gets the responses it does from peers. Providing a lot of support for your child can bolster his or her self-esteem and counteract the social and peer pressures he or she might be facing.

In addition to your own efforts, talk with your pediatrician, who may suggest that you consult a child psychiatrist or child psychologist to help overcome the youngster's confusion and conflict. Consultation with a mental-health professional may be necessary when there are questions of gender identity, especially when any of the following are present:

· The child refuses to accept his or her biological sex.

· The child plays exclusively with youngsters of the opposite sex.

· The child is socially isolated at school and/or is teased or ridiculed by peers.

Early professional intervention can be helpful to the child and family by helping work through the confusion that may exist about a child's gender identity. However, there is little evidence that mental-health services can influence gender identity in the middle years.

Our society continues to move toward breaking down many of the sexual stereotypes that direct and limit our behavior, and creating an environment of greater sexual equity and balance. The need or desire for professional help should be guided to some extent by the discomfort of your family, and to a greater extent by the social discomfort of your child.

Gender-Neutral Childrearing

Some families try hard to treat all their children similarly, regardless of sex. But this type of childrearing can deny inherent differences among youngsters. Also, even when gender-neutral childrearing is attempted, it is very difficult to accomplish. Friends and relatives often treat boys and girls differently, even when parents do not. Television shows, magazines, books, and toys surround children with images of what boys and girls, and men and women, are supposed to be, and experiences not only shape a child's sense of who he or she is, but also what he or she believes can be accomplished in life.

Gender-neutral childrearing has the advantage of helping parents and youngsters identify universally desirable human traits and values they would like to adopt and promote. It also might enhance relationships between boys and girls (and men and women). However, keep in mind that boys and girls are sometimes inclined toward different interests and behaviors. If you ignore biological differences, you can deny children the opportunities to build on their innate strengths.

At the same time, encourage both your sons and daughters to participate in the full range of human experience. That means girls need to know that it is all right to be angry, to get dirty and to be physically intense. Boys need to know it is okay to care deeply about friendships and not to finish first every time. Help your child discover and develop his or her unique talents and interests.